Harry Penis and the Sorcerer's Nuts
by Lolzy4000
Summary: The inner workings of my mind are an enigma. Lemon HarryxHermione and lime HarryxVoldemort. Swearing and (nonexplicit) sexytime.
1. Chapter 1

One stupid day, Harry Potter was in Dumbledore's office drinking tea that tasted like gasoline mixed with cow shit but in a delicious way. It also tasted kind of like cum (Harry would know, he had sucked Ron's tiny dick over nine thousand times). "What's in this tea?" Harry inquired. "Gasoline, cow shit and my semen" replied Dumbledore. "I see" said Harry, "On an unrelated note I wonder what Draco Malfoy's up to". (At that very moment, in the Slytherin dorm, Draco was fapping to Korean porn of obese hermaphrodites raping space aliens, but that's beside the point. And by point I mean penis). Then Dumbledore asked Harry if he had seen the latest episode of My Little Thetan: Scientology is Magic. "Why do you even watch that dumb-ass show?", asked Harry. Dumbledore expelled Harry from his office with a swift karate kick in the nuts.

Later that night Harry's nuts and dick still hurt from Dimblewhore (I mean Dumbledore's) karate kick, so Hermione (who despite her name is not a hermaphrodite) was using a magic spell called Fellatio to help ease Harry's pain. Also Harry was joyously singing a 1920's swing jazz song about how much he loved beautiful young girls sucking his hard cock, like this is a fucking musical or something. As Hermione's lips went up and down his boner she drooled in his overgrown bush of pubic hair and Harry fell asleep. This caused him to stop singing, much to Hermione's relief as Harry's singing voice sounded like an infinite number of flies trying to rape a hamster larger than the planet earth by all flying up its ass and buzzing.

The next day in potions class, Snape was telling insulting jokes about coprophiliacs when suddenly the room split open like a vagina being impregnated. In a flash of light like a cheap special effect from an old science fiction movie, Lord Voldemort appeared. "Harry Potter" mouthed Voldemort. "Yeah? Wudda you want? Cuz you're going down!", spat out Harry, pointing his wand (and by wand I do not mean penis). "I just came to tell you that I love you" replied Voldemort. So they kissed.


	2. Chapter 2

All of Hogwarts was abuzz over how Harry kissed Voldemort, except Draco Malfoy who was busy entertaining yaoi fangirls by sucking Crabbe's cock while taking Goyle's in the ass. Also he was wearing leather pants, which the yaoi fangirls thought was "super kawaii bishounen XD". Anyway, back to the unimportant side detail of how allmost al (sorry I mean almost all) of Hogwarts was abuzz over how Harry kissed Voldemort. As Pavarti Patil said, "I knew he was a horny bi boy but I never thought he would kiss He-who-I-am-afraid-of-naming-for-dumb-reasons". Meanwhile Draco Malfoy was shaking his girly ass while clenching ten dildos in it, which made the yaoi fangirls so horny they orgasmed just by looking at it (how that is possible I don't know and I don't give a shit). Hermione (who despite her name is still not a hermaphrodite) upon learning that Harry kissed Voldemort, shit her panties. This caused Harry to become sexually aroused, which caused Snape to tell more insulting jokes about coprophiliacs (Note: This is all happening in the Griffindor common room. As to what Snape is even doing in the Griffindor common room, other than humorously insulting Harry's fetish for sexy young girls/transvestites shitting themselves in such a way that makes their panties fall down, I don't fucking know, but like all bad fanfictions, this one requires some suspended disbelief). Harry got pissed off at Snape and threw Hermione's shit-filled panties at Snape's face, forgetting that he could use his wand (yeah, as in whipping out his wiener and cuming on Snape). Snape, who had also forgotten to use his wand (heh heh, penis jousting) got a facefull of Hermione's shit and panties. This sexually aroused Snape. It is unclear if this was because of Snape's blatant panty fetishism, or if Snape was in fact a coprophiliac in denial (this would make sense, considering his irrational hatred towards them). I think it's both, but my guess is a good as yours. Anyway, Harry, Snape and Hermione got into a fight, because Snape was pissed off about having shit-filled panties in his face (and sexually arousing ones at that), Hermione was pissed off about her personal undergarments (FAP FAP FAP OH GOD YES) being used as a projectile, and Harry was innocent and just defending himself. Then Ron came in from the dormatory and broke up that fight by spraying all three of them with "magic juice" from his "wand".

The next day, Dumbledore called Harry to his office. Harry asked, "Is this about how I kissed Voldemort? I can tell you all about how his lips felt and stuff!" Dumbledore said nothing, just handed Harry a cup of tea with delicious poop and semen in it. Harry took a sip. Then, Harry took a sip. Then, Harry took a sip. Then, Harry took a sip. Then, Harry took a sip. Then, Harry tried to take a sip but dropped the cup on the ground by accident and cut his foot on the broken shards, then slurped up the cummy shitty tea along with his own blood from his foot. Dumbledore ignored this. Then Dumbledore asked Harry if he would accept him as a bretan (Note: a "bretan" is a male fan of the television program My Little Thetan: Scientology is Magic, which is about brightly-colored omnipotent energy beings doing things and stuff. How Dumbledore gets TV reception is unknown, as Hogwarts has a magic aura that prevents electronic devices from working [true in-canon, read the fourth or fifth book I forget which], but remember what I said about bad fanfiction and suspended disbelief?). Harry prepared his reply. It would be a good one, short, succinct, and expressing his position perfectly. He said it, it was one word: "No".

Harry's cock ached from Dumbledore karate kicking him in the nuts the second time this week. THE SECOND FUCKING TIME THIS WEEK, thought Harry, AND THIS TIME NO ONE WILL BLOW ME TO EASE THE PAIN. But all pain goes away eventually, and anyone laying on a bed in the dark falls asleep eventually. Of course, if they are Harry Potter, they usually wake up the next morning with Ronald Weasley's six-inch uncircumcised dick in their ass.


End file.
